A Matter Of Size
by Rowan and Sakura
Summary: Kurama and Hiei on a date. Botan spying on them. Hiei said what! And why did Botan take Kurama's Rose Whip? Slight PWP no smut, just dirty humor. Not for innocent minds. You have been warned.


My attempt at a little shounen-ai humor. The pairing is Kurama/Hiei. The plot? Yusuke and Botan have been trying for ages to get the two demons to recognize their feelings for each other and go out. They have finally succeeded and are now reaping the glory of seeing the two on their date.

**A Matter Of Size**

Note: This really doesn't have much of a plot, just some words strung together and substantiated with the occasional bout of dirty humor. The title barely relates to the story. Enjoy nonetheless. And I don't own YuYu Hakusho.

Yusuke, who had promised to stop by before the fox joined Hiei for their date had just arrived as Kurama stepped outside his home in what looked likely to be a pressed dress shirt and a comfortable pair of leather pants (well, he looked comfortable in them anyway.) The detective's eyes went wide when he spotted Kurama in his surprising outfit, then smirked ever so slightly as he recalled something Botan had mentioned to him earlier.

"Hey Kurama, you going somewhere?" Yusuke teased. Kurama simply smiled though and nodded.

"Indeed."

The two began walking down the street, neither bothering to exchange petty conversation. Yusuke was vaguely aware of Botan flying somewhat behind them, but didn't mention anything as he didn't want to draw attention to her. It was just as well, for at that moment Hiei appeared beside them, walking between Yusuke and Kurama. The human smiled. "Well guys, good luck!" he said. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Kurama smirked as Yusuke turned and walked away, waving goodbye as he departed. "Oh, I'm sure we won't have any trouble with that," he remarked after him, then turned to look into Hiei's eyes. "Ready to go?" A slight nod was his only reply.

Yusuke looked up at Botan and beckoned her down when the two were out of earshot. "Hey Botan!"

"Yes Yusuke?"

"I'm going home now, so will you keep an eye on those two? Make sure nothing goes wrong."

Botan nodded. "With pleasure Yusuke." And she hopped back up on her oar, flew up into the air and was gone.

* * *

Kurama and Hiei walked into the Western restaurant, Hiei's guard up as Kurama tried to take his hand and lead him to a table. Flinching slightly at the touch, Hiei hesitatingly allowed the fox to entwine their fingers together.

Pulling out a seat, Kurama gestured for Hiei to sit down. Then, taking his own seat from across the table, Kurama picked up a menu and smiled at Hiei. "This restaurant is known for their steak," he noted to the fire demon. Hiei simply nodded and pretended to know what steak was.

Neither spoke, both too nervous to know what to say to the other. When the waiter came, Kurama ordered for the both of them, Hiei not knowing the difference between steak and spaghetti, and knowing nothing of how to order the steak anyway.

"So..."Kurama said once they could no longer bury their faces in the menu. 'My, this is awkward,' he thought in his head.

"What, Kurama," Hiei snapped, then cringed.

Kurama smiled with understanding. "Nervous Hiei?" he asked.

Hiei hesitated, then nodded once.

Botan giggled behind her hand, her chosen cover being a large bush quite close to the table. 'Oh, how sweet! Hiei willing to admit he's vulnerable!' she thought.

Hiei was more nervous than he let on. That predatory look in Kurama's eyes was unsettling for some strange reason. The fox's fixed gaze sent a shiver up his spine.

When the steak came, both demons were grateful to have something to do besides staring down at their placemats. Kurama dug into his food as only Kurama could, with a daintiness envied by most and unattainable by all. However, Hiei didn't touched his food. Looking up, Kurama noticed the inscrutable look on his face. "Something wrong, Hiei?"

Hiei didn't answer for a moment. Then, looking up, he frowned and demanded, "How come your meat's bigger than mine?" Hiei did not understand Kurama's reaction, wide eyes and an ill suppressed laugh.

Kurama laughed softly at the puzzled expression on Hiei's face. "Oh, let me be the judge of that," he replied, his voice low and husky as he spoke.

Hiei's eyes went wide. "K-Kurama? What do you mean by that?"

Kurama smiled and narrowed his eyes as he ravenously looked Hiei over, his steak completely forgotten as he focused on bigger prey. His hand fell beneath the table and brushed Hiei's leg. "Come now Hiei, don't be coy. You know exactly what I mean."

Hiei yelped at Kurama's touch and brought his legs up onto his chair. "Gack! Physical Contact!" he said, his voice going high pitched. "And what do you mean, I know what you mean?"

Kurama licked his lips slowly as he got up from his seat and glided over the floor towards the fire demon. "Hiei, I've wanted you since the moment we met. Have you felt the same?"

Hiei pressed into the back of his chair, frightened by this new side of Kurama. "Well, yeah," he admitted. "Remember, that's why we met. I wanted you to help me steal from King Enma. Remember?"

Kurama chuckled. "I mean, I've _wanted_ you Hiei, for a long time."

"Uh...that's nice to hear?"

* * *

Botan, from her place in the bush, was delighted to see Kurama advancing on Hiei. Taking out a camera that Kuwabara was nice enough to show her how to use earlier that day (which meant, of course, she had no clue how to use it) she snapped a series of photographs, some of terrified and confused Hiei, and the rest of lustful and predatory Kurama.

Too bad the flash wasn't on. The pictures would have made great blackmail later on.

Just when Botan realized that the camera _wasn't_ working they heard her. Pausing in his advances, Kurama turned his head towards the very vocal bushes.

"STUPID EFFING THING DOESN'T WORK!"

Hiei, who had slid back down in his seat when Kurama paused, looked at the fox and nodded. Quietly, they both approached the bush. Kurama quietly counted to three, then, they pounced.

"Gah!" Botan screamed as the two demons landed on her and the bush.

Hiei and Kurama backed away, and the fox pulled the bush apart.  
"Botan? What are you doing here?"

Botan, pink eyes wide with shock at being discovered, fumbled for an explanation. "Uh...er...Yusuke! He put me up to it!"

* * *

Half way across town, Yusuke sat up. "Something tells me I should kill Botan tomorrow." Shrugging, he went back to playing Pachinko.

* * *

Hiei raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "The detective? I find that hard to believe."

Botan blinked. "Why is that? What's so hard to believe?"

Hiei shrugged. "It's just, Yusuke having you spy on his teammates is about as likely as, I don't know, Kurama hitting on me."

Botan and Kurama smiled wickedly at that. "Then it's very likely," Kurama commented.

Hiei glanced over at Kurama. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kurama blinked at Hiei's naivety. "You know we're on a date, yes?"

Hiei nodded.

"You know that there is the very likely chance you and I might kiss on this date, right?"

Hiei's eyes went wide. He nodded, however reluctantly.

Kurama smiled. "And you know that it all starts with a kiss, yes?"

"What all starts with a kiss?" Hiei asked.

Kurama sighed. This would be harder than he thought.

At that moment, however, it became apparent to Botan that perhaps Hiei wasn't aware of how much Kurama wanted him. Smiling to herself, she decided to help the poor, desperate, horny fox. "Hiei, do you know where babies come from?"

Hiei turned to the ferry girl with an irritated expression. "Don't be dumb; of course I know!"

"Ah," Botan remarked. "Well, let's just say that, were it possible, Kurama would be trying to make babies with you right now."

Apparently Hiei did not get it. "I don't get it," he said.

Botan giggled. "Kurama, don't you think Hiei is just adorable when he's confused?"

Hiei glared. "I am not adorable Botan and if you dare call me that again, I will-," Hiei growled.

"Better watch it," Botan warned, holding up a finger threateningly. "Or I'll give Kurama all his toys back and throw you into his bed right n-"

And at that point Kurama hastily stopped the growing dispute between the girl and Hiei, his eyes wide and his hand-gestures frantic.

Hiei sweatdropped and looked at Kurama suspiciously. "What did she mean, 'give you back all your toys'?"

Kurama laughed nervously. "Oh, nothing..."

Botan smirked knowingly as the fox whispered in her ear. "I hope you at least left me my whip?"

Botan grinned wickedly and shook her head. "That was the first thing I took."  
Hiei blinked. Why would someone, much less Koenma's assistant, take Kurama's Rose Whip? He could always just make another one...

Suddenly, Botan's Spirit World beeper went off, startling Hiei from his thoughts. Crossing her eyes with frustration, she reluctantly picked up her oar and floated up to the Spirit World, departing with the words, "If you make it that far tonight Kurama, you'll find them in his pocket." And with that, Botan disappeared.

Hiei, more confused than ever, and growing more irritated by the minute, glared up at his date. "What was that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

Kurama at least had the decency to blush when he replied. "Oh, nothing for you to worry about Hiei."

Hiei raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Something's up Kurama and I intend to know what it is. First you act completely unlike yourself, talking in codes- no wait, you always do that- but you are definitely not the same Kurama I know. And then Botan hiding in the bushes by Yusuke's command! And then that about your Rose Whip- I don't get it!" Hiei's voice had risen steadily as he ranted until it came out a high-pitched shriek.

And it was then that they realized that yes, they were in a public restaurant that, yes, had people in it. And yes, they were staring at the pair (as well as wondering where the flying girl in the pink kimono went) and questioning Kurama and Hiei's, as well as their own, sanity.

Kurama smirked. This was the perfect opportunity he had been waiting for. "C'mon Hiei, let's go to my place, where I promise I will answer all your questions. I'd answer them right now, but I'd prefer someplace more…private." Hiei readily agreed.

* * *

About two hours later, Yusuke had finally bored of the Pachinko bars and decided to pay Kurama a visit. Figuring that the date was over by now, he wanted to know how it went. Yusuke arrived at Kurama's about ten minutes later, but when he knocked on the door no one answered. Banging his fist against the blue painted door, Yusuke shouted, "Hey Kurama! You in there?" Still no answer. Looking around and seeing no one, Yusuke tested the handle. the door was unlocked so, being the Spirit Detective and therefore naturally curious- curious that he wasn't this interested in the cases Koenma assigned him- he walked inside.

The apartment was dark, but Yusuke heard voices coming from behind a closed door at the end of the hallway, so, even more intrigued than before, he crept down the hall and pressed his ear to the door.

All that Yusuke could decipher were some muffled moans and Kurama speaking in a husky voice. "No, I'd say they're about the same size. What d'you think Hiei?"

A few rustling sheets, then Hiei's voice replied, "Yeah, I see what you mean. Say, Kura-" but the rest of his sentence was cut off.

Yusuke, realizing what was going on, couldn't leave quickly enough.

* * *

The next morning Botan called a meeting at Kuwabara's place to inform the team of their next mission. But all of that was forgotten the moment Hiei and Kurama walked- correction, the moment Hiei limped in with Kurama's arm around his shoulder.

Kuwabara and Yukina were sitting on the couch beside Keiko, while Botan and Yusuke were sitting on the floor in front of an all-familiar silver briefcase. Shizuru, sitting in the armchair next to the couch, was smoking a cigarette casually when the two demons finally arrived. Kurama gently helped Hiei sit down, the fire demon trying his best not to wince as he did so, and glaring at anyone who looked ready to make a teasing remark.

Yusuke, however, was smirking widely, along with Botan who was giddy with glee. "Kurama, Hiei, so nice of you to join us!"

Kurama, seated between Hiei and the couch, smiled. "Good morning. So what is our new mission Botan?"

Botan brushed the question away with a wave of her hand. "Oh, that's not important. But Kurama, I am curious to know whether you were able to find it last night?"

Kurama smirked. "Yes thank you I did, along with some other things as well. I also discovered that Hiei here was a virgin...until last night that is.

Keiko, Kuwabara, and Yukina's eyes fell out at this point from surprise, shock...and a mixture of the two. Shizuru seemed to show some mild interest in the conversation going on around her- the word 'virgin' seemed to break her out of her reverie.

Botan, meanwhile, had whipped out a notebook, pen at the ready. She was leaning forward with eager eyes. "Oh, tell me everything! I want all the details!"

Kurama laughed and pulled a pouting Hiei into his lap. "Would you like the summary...or the sequel?"

Owari- The End

* * *

Please review! This was just for laughs- I hope it made you laugh! 


End file.
